#emptybody rambles

[fullheart-emptybody]

Chewing and spitting really just saved my ass from binging rn. Still feel gross though 😢

[fullheart-emptybody]

There’s a girl that is going to start working at my job and she’s is low key thinspo!!! She’s also really super sweet so it’s just like, I want to be your friend but I’ll look like a whale next to you 😥

[fullheart-emptybody]

✨Current eating situation✨

So, whenever I have work, I usually get up pretty early and can easily skip breakfast. On my break I have a monster energy drink (10 cal ones) and then when I get home I’ll have these vegan soups that I bought from Whole Foods. Most of the soups range from 190-210 cals per can. Sometimes I’ll have the whole can and other times I’ll add a cup to a cup and a half of water to it so that I can save half of it for the next day. However, there’s a ton of sodium in them and I think it’s been a factor as to why I’ve felt/been so bloated lately so to counteract that I’ve been trying to eat more potassium and peppermint teas. Now, on days when I work later in the evening I’ll have one cup each of cooked spinach and kale (seasoned with pepper or ground red pepper) later in the morning. Hopefully, I won’t feel as bloated and disgusting!

[fullheart-emptybody]

No one ever tells you how fucking lonely EDs are...

[fullheart-emptybody]

Do you ever listen to people who are making plans for dinner or talking about their favorite food item at some place and think, ‘Damn, that sounds like a lot of calories buddy, have fun with that though!’ because one of my friends just described some burger as having ‘so much grease and cheese it’s practically dripping all over your plate but it’s so good!’. 

Like I’m so happy that they are enjoying food! I want to enjoy food like that but the difference is, is that I would totally try and throw it up later or absolutely hate myself for hours on end after eating it :)

[fullheart-emptybody]

I just want to be thin enough where I don’t have to worry about being too heavy if someone were to pick me up or help me stand.

I dream of the day were the person I like effortlessly can pick me up and spin me around. That’s all. That’s all I want.

[fullheart-emptybody]

When your parental unit is gone for a whole ass week 😍👌✨

I don’t have to worry for a full ass week about having to eat in front of someone so they don’t start asking questions!

[fullheart-emptybody]

Trying to weigh yourself while you’re on your period is soooooo messed up and I hate it. I know I gain weight when I’m on my period so I’ve only been having a white monster energy drink and one small meal at around dinner time for the whole week. On Tuesday I weighed myself and suddenly I’m at 155 lbs so I freak out, now it’s Friday and I’m back down to 148 lbs.

I. Hate. This. 🙃

[fullheart-emptybody]

I know it’s stupid to think that having 700 cals in one day is a binge. I keep trying to tell myself that. Consuming 700 cals isn’t a binge. Yet I feel fucking stuffed and disappointed in myself because of it. I can see the difference in my body because now I’m bloated and trying to compensate it with so much green tea and water right now. 

[fullheart-emptybody]

🌷Rambling more...🌷

Well, I broke my unexpected fast today by having a cup serving of mashed sweet potatoes (and some tea) about two or so hours ago.

My mother has some friends over and they’re being really loud and like, ugh, please hush I have a headache from not eating and I just want to sleep it off! I’m also getting nervous as to what I’m going to wear for my interview tomorrow. This job advertises itself as being more geared towards a younger crowd/demographic and has a more relaxed dress code but at the same time I want to look semi-professional!? (But I also don’t want to look like a bloated whale when going to the interview, ya know?) 

Why can’t I just be closer to my goal weight, or better yet, at my goal weight? I feel like it would solve so many of my insecurities and I would be more willing to let myself stand out more and sort of put myself out there. Just need to work harder at this. 

[fullheart-emptybody]

🌷Going back to the Gym🌷

I’ve had a gym membership before but I’ve cancelled it a while back because of Covid and because I didn’t want to have other people see me while I work out. For the most part I’ve just been running outside and doing workouts in my bedroom. However, it’s getting to that point in the year where it’s getting colder and colder outside (not that I personally mind it but it makes it harder to run outside). So I got a new gym membership.

It still freaks me out a bit having people around me (although everyone is following covid guidelines and such) I know that aren’t looking at me but it does feel like they are judging me. I know it sounds crazy. Despite all that though, I had a good time and was there for two hours constantly moving so it felt good. 

[fullheart-emptybody]

Well, today is the day for my (now) mother/daughter outing. My brother was able to weasel his way out of going. I got up before my mother and now I’m waiting for her since we’re suppose to head out in like 30 mins. So, I’m pretending to eat a banana so hopefully that’ll ‘hold me over’ until we get to the hotel.

I’m just hoping that we’re going to be walking around a lot.

I’ll let y’all know how this goes because I’m like 98% I will cry during this trip. ✌️

[fullheart-emptybody]

🌷Sad Rambling🌷

It’s sad girl hours, let’s go...

My mom’s girlfriend is really supportive of me and in the career path that I wish to pursue. To keep it fairly simple, I love books and absolutely anything to do with them. (Editing, book design, publishing, marketing, literary agents, and of course, writing.) My dream is to one day write and publish a book or hell even more than one. It’s a tough scene to break into and I know that and I’m not naive. I can’t support myself by just writing books but maybe one day, which is why I pride myself in knowing a lot about the process of publishing a book and what goes into it from the first draft to setting up the display stands in bookstores and managing signing events. All of it is a passion of mine. 

I’ve made a lot of connections while in college and have built up an alright network of people and very kind professors. I have profiles on a lot of social media that are “personal” but everything that I post is done with the mindset of “a future employer could see this” which is why my actual personal accounts are all private. I even have my own website (that I built/designed myself) where I have samples of projects that I’ve worked on from publishing samples, marketing pieces, and just about everything that I have created that might help me in wiggling my way into the world of publishing and writing. (Along with my resume to! And other projects/writings that my professors have mentioned would be good to have posted.)

I have a profile on a lot of job/professional sites that I keep up to date with and check regularly. 

The one that I don’t really use is Linkedin. 

I have a profile up but it’s the one that I least check because a lot of my networking connections are more active on different platforms so I’ve never really had the need to keep track of it. 

Now, my mom has been with her girlfriend for about 4 years or so at this point and I love her, really. We’ve only ever butted heads a couple of times in the beginning of their relationship but other than that, we’re on the same page with pretty much everything. Except for Linkedin, apparently. 

I understand that it’s a good tool to use and that everyone in the academia world has one. I’m not knocking it for that or anything, but personally I just don’t use it and have nothing against it. 

However, my mom’s girlfriend has been really hounding me the last few days about it and I sort of had my tipping point like an hour or so go. She kept telling me that she knows people on the site that can help me and that she has a bunch of connections. (Which she does, however, her field of expertise is not the same as where I would like to go with my career path. She also works in the sort of “fine arts” field and has a decent reputation and coaches a lot of students.)

Like I said before, she’s very supportive and I always make sure that she knows that I appreciate her input and time.

But she wouldn’t get off my back about fixing my Linkedin. 

For example she’ll text me asking why isn’t my profile up yet? After I’ve had a pretty draining day and I’ll text saying I’ll get it done later. Then she’ll message back and say that I need to get it done by ‘x’ amount of time. When she first did it, I get it. She wants to see it asap. 

But then the demands kept rolling in. 

She was starting to talk to me like I was one of her students and she is strict because of her line of work. But I’m not her student. I’m your girlfriend’s daughter. 

When I did get around to fixing up my profile, I messaged her saying that it was done and to check it out. The response I got was, “Looks good. Message [Name] she’s been waiting for your message.” 

([Name] is one of her contacts that again isn’t in my field but wants to connect us because she thinks that this person could help. Which, spoiler alert, she didn’t have the insight that I really needed or wanted.)

I felt a little miffed that after the days of being hounded, receiving these passive aggressive demands when my mental health and tolerance for confrontation are extremely low, only to have this person who she had been hyping up to me not actually be able to help me. Of course, not one to be rude, I thanked the woman for taking the time to message me.

My mom’s girlfriend then demanded to know what was said in the conversation and I told her that I’d take some of her advice in rearranging my profile around and such. I had sent my thank you message to the woman around 5:30 ish. And barely an hour later she messaged me asking why I haven’t edited my profile and fixed it? 

I wanted to tell her to chill out and that’s it’s been an hour. 

But instead I told her that I’d do it tomorrow since I was tired and she told me to get it done my noon tomorrow and to send her a new link to my profile. At that point, I was starting to get irritated with her and just told her alright. I just wanted the conversation to end. When I thought the conversation was over she sent me this…

‘This is your time you’re wasting. You can write and write well when there is a deadline and you suck when there isn’t one set.’ 

For whatever reason, it hurt.

It really hurt. 

I’ve been in plenty of writing workshops in college. I’ve had some of my writing torn to fucking shreds in front of me and told me that I should transfer majors and barely bat an eye. But that message for whatever reason really hurt me. And then it made me mad. 

She has never witnessed any parts of my writing process. I’ve shown her samples of my writing but she has never once asked if the work that I was presenting to her was done durning a time crunch or not. 

I have taken 400 and 600 level courses and have banged out essays the day they’re due and received high marks for them. I’ve also turned in essays days before they are due because I have the time to do so. The common thread in a lot of my work that doesn’t do as well is because it’s a topic that I’m not passionate about. Believe me, I can clearly see the difference in my essays/writings when I’m passionate about the topic or not. 

The point is, she knows nothing about how I write. Not that she had ever asked before, but now all of sudden she knows that I work well under pressure? Like, she does know I have severe anxiety when it comes to classes and education. 

I felt hurt and for a few minutes wanted to drown my aching heart in food and was close to binging because of this unexpected hurt. But thankfully, my stomach started to hurt and just made myself some chamomile tea to help settle me down. 

So yeah...not feeling too good right now.

(Sorry for such a long rant, just had to get it off of my chest.)

[fullheart-emptybody]

🌷Rambling🌷

It’s currently 4:07 p.m. and all I’ve had today was a cup of coffee this morning. I wasn’t planning on fasting today but I have an interview for a new job tomorrow and I think the nerves might be getting to me. Not that I’m complaining since I don’t feel hungry at all right now. 

I’m still nervous about the interview and if (hopefully) I get hired. If I do, I’m afraid that I’ll be the heaviest employee and just overall the ugly duckling of everyone, if that makes sense. Like maybe if I suddenly loose ten pounds by tomorrow I won’t feel the same way. (If only 😔) 

I always felt like the ‘bigger’ girl at my old job and I don’t want a repeat of that. The mentality of this all just sucks and honestly, at this point, I just want everything to go over smoothly. In the back of my mind I want to be the ‘cute and little’ employee that is always moving around and helping everyone. Obviously, that can’t happen at the weight that I’m currently at, but soon. I hope.

[fullheart-emptybody]

Finally down to 145 lbs 😩

[fullheart-emptybody]

I keep telling myself I’m not going to binge/stress eat today because of this election but I’m at my wits end rn. I hate it here.